14 Things Women Think When They're Trying to Orgasm

1. "Maybe I should just take over." I mean this is taking forever and I could get this done in under a minute at this point. There's no way he's not exhausted. It'd be like a mercy masturbation.
2. "My ex was so good at this." Man, Jeremy was on it. God, we had really awesome sex. He used to do this thing ... I wish I knew what it was so I could tell James. Wow, this line of thinking is inappropriate.
3. "Focus!!!" Oh my god, stop thinking about your errands and what you have to do tomorrow before work! Yes, you need to buy olives because olives are great but you're having sex right now! Get it together!
4. "Stop trying to focus and just clear your mind." Maybe I just need to stop focusing and clear my head. Oooh, it's working already. Man, I really miss my third grade teacher, Ms. James. She was so kind. Oh shit, I'm having sex.

5. "I kinda want him to leave." Not forever but even if he went to the bathroom or something, I could just get myself off and I wouldn't have to keep sitting through this. Or he could leave and I could go watch New Girl. I think new episodes started this week. Oh and pie. I could also eat pie.
6. "I wanna have an orgasm but I also want this to never stop." God, I just wanna orgasm already but also can you just keep doing what you're doing for the next eight hours?
7. "Wow, this is actually better than when I masturbate!!!" How is that possible??? I'm so glad I had sex with this person!!!
8. *Thinking about someone else*. It's OK that I'm thinking about that guy from work, right? I mean, it's not like I would ever actually do anything. It's just right now it's working for me, which is actually good for him too because it means I'll orgasm faster. If anything, I'm basically a hero.
9. "Jack looked so hot the other day. Like, really hot." Jack in the fisherman sweater. Jack in the fisherman sweater! Oooh, with a pipe!
10. "How can I introduce my vibrator into this situation?" Without leaving my bed. I would really like to not leave my bed. I could ask him to bring it over but then maybe he'll get insulted. Maybe I could just start leaving it under my pillow and then pretend to be surprised it's there and then it wouldn't be weird to bring it in. Genius.
11. "Keep doing that, keep doing that, keep doing that, noooo why'd you stop?" Oh, come on, I was clearly enjoying that and I did everything I possibly could to indicate that fact! I even got louder and everything. And you're just gonna stop?! This is the meanest thing you've ever done to me.
12. "To the left, to the left." I firmly believe Beyoncé wrote this about giving Jay Z sex directions.
13. "It'd be so awesome if we were doing some other position right now." I'll probably never bring that up to him ever, but for now I can imagine we were. Oh yeah, this is working.
14. "Hmm. Doggy style worked last time." "Also, if you think about it, doggy style is a pretty weird term. Where did that come from? Oh shit, I lost it."